Combating Loneliness

Loneliness has become a latter-day epidemic, and it affects far more people than we can imagine.  Researchers have found three out of four Americans report suffering from serious loneliness, with 22% feeling highly lonely and 54% saying they are moderately lonely.  If you have felt lonely recently, you are not alone.  And the dangers of loneliness are very real.

Studies have shown loneliness to have the same impact on our life expectancy as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, putting it in the same risk pool as being an alcoholic or morbidly obese.  It can lead to cognitive decline, Alzheimer's, heart disease, depression, and suicide.  This research has led Julianne Holt-Lunstad, an associate professor of psychology at BYU, where she also serves as social psychology chair, to say, "We need to start taking our social relationships as seriously as our health.1"

So how can we combat loneliness?

First, and most importantly, we can recognize that loneliness is often a sign our spirit is hungry for the  love, comfort, and understanding only the Godhead can bring into our lives.  When we feel lonely, we are being reminded that there is an urgent need for spiritual reconnection to feel the comfort and guidance of the Holy Ghost; the unconditional love and patience of our Heavenly Father; and the perfect understanding and compassion of the Savior.  They know EXACTLY what we need and how to provide that to us, if only we will come to them.  They are always on the other end of the line, waiting for us to pick back up our receiver.

When you are lonely, start first by doing some of the following:

Pray.  Go somewhere where you can truly pour out your heart to your Heavenly Father.  Tell Him of your loneliness.  Ask for the comfort and guidance of the Holy Ghost to help you know best how to overcome this.  Ask Heavenly Father to let you know of His love for you.  Ask for hope.  Pause as you pray to listen for things the Holy Ghost encourages you to pray for.  Truly spend this time with the Father as though you were in the same room with Him.  Listen for His responses.  If you're not accustomed to praying like this, you may not first know how to recognize His answers.  Be patient.  Show Him you are willing to hear.  Then go about your day, knowing in FAITH that He WILL answer your prayers!  Watch for those answers!  Note them when they come.  Thank Him when you notice them.

Spend more time in prayer throughout the day.  Every prayer does not have to be with head bowed and eyes closed.  Turn off the radio in your car as you travel and talk to Him.  Pray when your thoughts turn to things you don't want them to.  Pray over your children, your work, your home.  Pray for others you see on the street, in the store, at the checkout line.  Pray often.  Your best friend is on the other side of that prayer.  He loves to hear from you!    

Learn more about the Savior.  Read of Him visiting the Americas in 3rd Nephi or of His life and ministry in the New Testament.  Read Jesus the Christ.  Read the Living Christ.  Read conference talks on the Savior.  As you do these things, you will come to understand just how much the Lord loves you perfectly and how He has felt everything you are experiencing.  He will advocate for you to the Father, and He will send the comfort He knows YOU need through the Spirit.  Learn of Him, all you can.

Read a portion of this week's Come Follow Me assignment.

Spend some time in your favorite part of the Book of Mormon.

Watch a video or read an article on www.lds.org.  

Read from the Ensign.

Review your patriarchal blessing.

Search your soul for something you need to repent of, and then do so.

Write down your most cherished spiritual memories.

Spend some time in the Family Search app.

Explore the LDS Library app.  There is so much to offer in the Life Help and Self-Reliance sections, for example!

Write down three things you are grateful for each day or that come as tender mercies or little miracles.  This could be a type of ongoing letter to Heavenly Father acknowledging His hand in your life.

Listen to a conference talk as you get ready in the morning or while you drive to work.

Turn on spiritually uplifting music that invites the Holy Ghost.  Especially do this in the car or while you work or clean.  

Note in your journal when you feel or see an answer to prayer.  

Remember your greatest friend, your strongest source of comfort and help and light, will always be your Father in Heaven!  Turn to Him often and in sincerity of heart.  He WILL be there for you!! 

Secondly, we need to recognize that feeling lonely is our body's way of telling us we need to make more social connections.  These do not always have to be deep connections; simple interactions can be powerful, too!

We sometimes mistake this as meaning we need to find others with whom we can have deep, lasting relationships.  Although such relationships are truly valuable, focusing our anti-loneliness fight on finding them can easily send us deeper into feelings of isolation as we struggle to know where to look or wonder why we can't immediately create these connections. 

What we need are more social connections, period.  Technology and industry advances have made it possible for us to go entire days at a time without having in-person social interactions.  Where our ancestors had to interact on a regular basis to provide even the necessities of daily life, we can go to the grocery store, fill our gas tank, refill our prescriptions, mail packages, diagnose health problems, shop, learn, and entertain ourselves all without dealing with a single live person.  The more we do this, the less we interact with others, and the more isolated we feel and become.

Don't be afraid to make the first move.  Most of us are!  Be the catalyst!

Choose the checkout line at the grocery store instead of self-help kiosks.  Make it a point to say something to both the checker and the bagger.  While you're doing your shopping, say hello to people you pass in the aisles.  Some people say the grocery store is the only interaction they get with others; be a light in their day!

Have a strategy--a game plan--on dealing with loneliness when it arises.  Write down a few of these ideas or any others that work for you on a note card and put it where you can see it easily.  When you feel loneliness creep in, immediately begin doing some ideas on your card.  Work through the loneliness rather than let it envelop you.  

Talk with others while you wait in a line, at a bus stop, or for a meeting to begin. 

Greet others: Smile, wave, hold the door, say hello to other sojourners on life's paths.  You have no idea who needs a simple acknowledgement that they're noticed!  

Put your phone down when you're around other people.  This includes entering or exiting a store, waiting in line, at the doctor's office, or for your food to arrive, and walking to and from different locations.  Use that time, instead, to truly notice those around you.  When you're making a conscious effort to see your eternal brothers and sisters on this earth, the Spirit can prompt you to know who needs what type of personal interaction and can lead you to those with whom you can have a good relationship.

Write to someone: Send a heart-felt message to a friend or family member.  Better yet, send an old-fashioned letter or thank you card.  If you really want to try something fun, send an anonymous uplifting note to someone by using their address as both the send and return addresses on your envelope.

Talk to your colleague in person rather than via email or text message.  This not only helps you get up and move around, stretching vital muscles and moving blood a little faster through your system, but it helps you feel less isolated at work.

Enliven social media: Post something spiritually or emotionally uplifting.  Look for the humorous or cheerful things that happen around you each day and make an effort to share them with others.

Comment with more than a "like."   Take an extra minute to actually say something meaningful about someone's social media post.  Make it personal and sincere.   

Serve someone.  In any way!  

Do random acts of kindness: Service doesn't have to be something big.  Simple acts of service create a ripple effect of human interaction.  There are so many great ideas out there.  Here's one place to find some: https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/the-kindness-blog/2943-50-kindness-ideas-for-random-acts-of-kindness-day

Strengthen existing relationships: 

Spend time with non-humans--anywhere!  Animals have a way of connecting with us that is deeply fulfilling.  

Get a pet.  Taking care of something that can love you in return is wonderfully rewarding.

Understand that we are all becoming more isolated, so you may get uncomfortable reactions from others as you do these things.  Don't take this as a rejection of who you are!  We are all simply out of practice interacting with one another.  Don't be afraid to pioneer this effort wherever you are.  Your actions will be contagious, even in that individual who ignored your greeting and kept staring at their phone.  Keep reaching out!  You will make a difference, in your life and others'!

Thirdly, loneliness can be a sign that we are disconnected from ourselves.  When we get lost in the day-to-day rigors of life, we can easily stop doing things that remind us who we are individually.  We begin to feel more machine-like and less unique.  Try some of these things to reconnect to yourself:

Get creative: Write a journal entry, a poem, or song lyrics.  Paint.  Dance around the house.  Draw.  Doodle.  Sew.  Build.  Upcycle.  Sing.  Play the piano, especially hymns.  Pick up your old musical instrument and see if you can still play it.   

Get some sleep: Take a nap, and while you're at it, look at your daily schedule and figure out if you're truly getting enough sleep at night.  Working adults still need at least seven hours of sleep.  If you're not getting this, your body and mind wear down and low moods become common.  Don't sleep too much, as this can also be bad, but make sure you're getting enough!

Go electronic-free for one day each week.  If you're not able to do that, block out a time each day when you will refrain from all electronic input, including the car radio.  Our spirits get overstimulated from this constant barrage of worldly "noise," and the Holy Ghost has very little ability to reach us when we are so engrossed in distracting media.

Take a walk outside. 

Finally, loneliness can come from feeling we aren't worthy of love and belonging, even though we always are.  Try something that will raise your self-esteem:

Beautify your space: Choose an area of your living space and make it better.  Declutter, clean, and organize it.  This could be something as simple as one bathroom drawer or a single counter top.  If you want to get more involved, repurpose a space or redecorate.  Dust, vacuum, and wipe away any fingerprints or dirt that may have accumulated in one particular area.  Beautifying your living space is a simple way to lift your mood and improve the way you see yourself.  

Learn something new: There are so many ways to learn today!  Take a class at your local community college or art center.  Look up YouTube videos on how to do something you've always wanted to learn.  Free online classes in everything imaginable can be found at Open University, edX, Coursera, and Khan Academy.  For a list of the great free certifications and classes online, here's a start.

Make yourself look nice: Spend a little extra time on your hygiene.  Trim your eyebrows.  Shave.  Get a haircut or spend some time on a great hair-do.  Go through your closet and give away the clothes that don't make you feel your best.  Get your teeth cleaned.  Figure out what colors you look best in or what style of clothes bring out your best features.  Trim your nails.  Give yourself a pedicure.  

Move your body: Do something active every day--even if it's just taking a walk.  Look around your ward, family, or place of employment to find someone who you'd enjoy sharing a few minutes with each day as you get out to walk.  Get up and dance around the house, just for fun.  Try something new on YouTube, like kickboxing or barre routines.  Look into strength training and stretching programs to stay healthy.  Exercise is proven to be the best mood enhancer available to us, which is one reason Satan wants us to avoid it.  Tap into it and see how your world changes!  

Eat well: The Word of Wisdom not only discusses things we should avoid, but also those foods that best fuel our bodies.  Plant-based diets rich in vegetables, fruits, and healthy grains have consistently proven over time to be the best for us.  Twice in the Word of Wisdom we are told to eat meat sparingly--in times of famine, cold, or excess of hunger, specifically.  Be cautious of fad diets that encourage you to do otherwise.  Avoid fast food.  Trust the Lord to know what is best for you and give this principle with a promise a solid effort!  The way we eat affects everything about the way we feel.  If you're not sure where to start, this plan by Dr. Fuhrman entitled Eat to Live has been the closest thing I have found in 30 years of nutrition research to match the suggestions of the Word of Wisdom.  Here is a blog on the topic that may be helpful.

Although loneliness IS a latter-day epidemic and affects far more people than we realize, it does not have to be a lifelong companion for any of us.  Always remember you are loved, valued, and understood by He who knows you best.  He will do everything He can to help you discover how best to handle loneliness when it strikes.  May these tools help you in those moments!